I’m Spiraling Again. Cool Cool Cool.

It starts the same way every time.

One tiny thought. One off-hand comment. One email you haven’t replied to. One thing you forgot to do that now feels like the beginning of the end.

And before you know it, it’s 11:47 PM and you’re lying in bed with your eyes wide open, constructing a 42-step plan for how you’ll fix your entire life by next Thursday… all while simultaneously convincing yourself that you’ve ruined everything beyond repair.

Spiraling. Again. Cool cool cool.

You don’t mean to do it. You were fine five minutes ago. You were literally brushing your  teeth like a stable adult. But now? Now you’re overthinking that conversation from three days ago, wondering if you said something weird or sounded too much or not enough.

(You didn’t. But still.)

You keep trying to think your way out of it. “Maybe if I just figure it all out, I’ll feel better.” So you start mentally budgeting, planning, goal-setting, rearranging the next five years of your life — all from under the covers — because, obviously, that’s what mentally healthy people do at midnight.

Sometimes it’s about the big stuff.
Sometimes it’s about absolutely nothing.
Sometimes you spiral because your jeans fit weird or someone asked you, “So what’s next?” and you didn’t have a good answer.

Whatever the cause, here’s what I’ve learned: spiraling usually shows up when I feel out of control. And instead of admitting I’m scared or uncertain or tired, my brain goes into overdrive trying to fix things that were never mine to control in the first place.

Sound familiar?

I’m learning (slowly, awkwardly) that God doesn’t ask me to be in control. He asks me to be close. He asks me to trust. And He reminds me that even when my mind feels like a tornado of What-Ifs, I’m still held. Still seen. Still loved.

So maybe tonight I spiral.
Maybe I do the whole mental gymnastics routine.
Maybe I talk myself in circles and imagine worst-case scenarios.

But before the night is over, I’m trying to remember to breathe.
To speak kindly to myself.
To pray about one thing instead of everything.
To remind myself that I’m not the only one lying awake wondering if I’m doing okay.

Because I am okay.
And so are you.

This is not a crisis…
…but also yes it is.

And we’re gonna be alright.

 

⸻

Verse to reminder:

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”
– Proverbs 12:25